The Price I Pay: Yuki and Shuuichi
by Yaminoko-Jeichan
Summary: YukiShuuichi version of the story, Yuki finds out he has HIV and has to tell Shuuichi, couldn't wait to post this version
1. Chapter 1

**Yuki/Shuuichi version: The Price I Pay**

Yuki sat motionless at his desk his laptop open in front of him but not on—he'd turned it off just moments before after he looked up what he could about the virus. He still hadn't told Shuuichi yet and it was three days later—he knew he must, but…how could you say that to a lover?

He couldn't believe it himself—it'd been years since he been with anyone other than Shuuichi, years since the idea of using any protection passed through his thoughts. He'd been with only Shuuichi for the past several years—why should he have thought about STDs?

He hadn't been able to think at all after getting his test results—hell, he'd almost got close to accusing Shuuichi of cheating before he decided to look up the virus online. The first thing he learned was that it could take years for the virus to cause any symptoms, that many people with the virus didn't know they had it, passing it on unawares to their partners.

Yuki felt his throat catch when he read that, knowing that it was most likely his fault he had the virus—he didn't always use protection with the lovers he had before Shuuichi. What's worse, he _never_ used protection with Shuuichi, even when he considered it a temporary fling. God, the chance that he infected the brat was so high, he couldn't stay calm thinking about it. If he really did have HIV, if the test wasn't a false positive, he most likely had already infected Shuuichi.

And he would never forgive himself if he had.

'_I have to tell him, I have to make him get tested—I need to know if he has it too.'_ He sighed, staring into the blank screen of the laptop, his thoughts struggling to not become as dark as the screen. Having HIV didn't mean it was the end of the world, it didn't guarantee he'd get full-blown AIDS, and he never really wanted to live until old age. _I'm fine with what 'I've done with my life, this virus shouldn't matter.'_

But it did, and the reason was in the living-room watching TV, waiting patiently for Yuki to be done in his office. The pink-haired brat was the reason for the pang of guilt in his gut, guilt that came from not only his fear that Shuuichi had the virus too, but also from the writer's fear that he didn't.

If it turned out that the pink-haired brat wasn't infected, Yuki would break up with him for good—he couldn't take the risk of infecting the brat by forgetting to use a condom. God, the pink-haired singer wouldn't understand why though, even if he knew about the HIV—the brat had never let him break off their relationship for good regardless of how many times the writer tried before. Yuki knew this time would be harder than the others—_he_ didn't want to give up on his relationship with Shuuichi, _he_ didn't want to live the rest of his life alone because of a stupid virus, because of his stupid mistakes.

But he would if Shuuichi hadn't been infected by him already.

'_God, I don't know what I want more—if he isn't infected, I can't be with him anymore, and if he is—I'll feel guilty for not just infecting him, but for _hoping_ he's infected just to continue our relationship.'_ Yuki closed his eyes at the thought, he didn't want Shuuichi to suffer through the illness, but he also didn't want to be alone again—he also didn't want to hurt the brat by breaking up with him, not for such an undeniably good reason.

Suddenly there was a knock on his office door, and Shuuichi's voice.

"Yuki? Are you done yet? How much longer are you gonna be? Yuki?" Shuuichi's voice got whinier with each question, more annoying each syllable, but Yuki held back on snapping at him. "Yuki, please talk to me—you've been avoiding me for the past three days. C'mon answer me, Yuki. Yukiiii."

The brat's whines grew more insistent each second Yuki stood silent, contemplating when and how to tell Shuuichi.

'_Might as well get it over with._' Yuki thought, now standing at his desk, laptop closed. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath, eyes closed for a few seconds, and then he turned toward the door.

_A/N: End of chapter, how should Shuuichi react to the news? Should Yuki tell him so soon or should he back down for some reason? I want your opinions, plus any ideas for other couples that should get this scare. Or any ideas for other fics in general, I've been debating the idea of whether to do a crossover fic where Yuki and Shuuichi go on the Dr. Phil show seeking advice._


	2. Chapter 2

Yuki paused, cringing at the sound of Shuuichi's whines, and took a deep breath, his hand on the doorknob.

"Yukiii--!" Yukiii! Open up! I know you're not working, I don't hear you typing! Yukii—oh!"

Suddenly Yuki opened the door, so rough it slammed into the wall, almost hitting Shuuichi—had the singer not been used to it, he would've been hit. As it was, he dodged the door just in time, and stood in silent anticipation of hearing his lover's voice.

"Shut the hell up, brat. I have better things to do than waste my time listening to your sorry ass." Yuki shouted and slammed the door closed before he could stop himself—he had no idea why he snapped, he'd wanted to tell Shuuichi about the HIV, but….

'_What the hell, what's wrong with me? Goddamn it.'_ The blond closed his eyes to settle his racing heart, breathing deeply before opening his eyes. He stared at his desk, the only sound the cries coming from Shuuichi—this time filled with hurt.

"Yuki! Why? Did I make you mad? Yuki! Please Yuki, answer me. You've been ignoring me for the past three days, what's going on? I did something that pissed you off, didn't I? Whatever it is I'm sorry. Yuki! Yukiii!" Shuuichi sounded like he was crying, or close to it, and the writer felt himself cringe but he didn't move.

Should he go through with it? Yes, of course. But now? Why not wait until the second test results got back? Because it wouldn't prove much, if they were different than it just meant one of the two tests were wrong, but not which one. He had HIV so he had to tell. Hell, wasn't there a law that said he had to tell those he slept with about having the virus?

He never cared for laws though, why should he now? Duh, it was for Shuuichi, his lover, the only one of his lovers he ever cared for. The lover he wanted to keep for years, 'til he died maybe.

Died…god, with the HIV that would be sooner than he ever thought. Suddenly he felt his body tremble, and his stomach became upset—this virus could kill him. It didn't matter if literally other viruses actually killed the infected person, this virus would cause it. Goddamn it, who knew how much longer he had to live, who knew when the HIV would turn into full-blown AIDS. How much longer did he have to enjoy life?

Disgusted with the morbidity, the writer focused on Shuuichi's cries.

"Yuki! Yukii! Yukiii! Please open the door! I'm sorry if I made you mad, I'm sor—" The sudden stop in Shuuichi's whines was followed by a loud thump, as though something hit the floor.

"Shuuichi!" Yuki alarmed, opened the door, shaking when he felt something causing resistance on the other side. "God, please don't let that be Shuuichi."

God didn't answer his prayers, the pink-haired singer lay unconscious on the floor outside his office, pale and sweaty. And when the writer felt his forehead, he grimaced from the heat.

"Shuuichi, hold on. I'm calling an ambulance." Yuki held onto the younger man hesitant to leave his side for a moment, so he dragged Shuuichi to where he could reach the phone without leaving the singer. "Shuuichi, wake up." His hand shook violently when he picked up the phone and dialed for an ambulance, his voice trembling as well when he spoke into the contraption.

Hearing the words that an ambulance was on the way, Yuki held Shuuichi closer, gulping at the heat radiating from the singer's body, his arms getting sticky from the sweat on the younger man's skin. He gasped when the younger man opened his eyes a tad, like it took an effort to do so.

"Yuki. I'm cold." Shuuichi's voice sounded too meek to the novelist, and he held tighter to the pink-haired man when he felt him shiver and cough.

"Shuuichi, an ambulance should be here soon. I won't go anywhere."

"Yuki." Shuuichi looked into the blond's brown eyes, lips curling up to smile when he fainted again, snug in the writer's arms.

_A/N: Short, cliffhanger, yeah I'm cruel. Anyway please review._


	3. Chapter 3

At the hospital:

Yuki didn't know what to do, he tried to calm down, but he couldn't stop worrying about his lover—the doctors had worked to bring Shuuichi's temperature down, and the singer had coughed up blood a few times during the ride to the hospital.

The writer had ridden in the ambulance, refusing to leave the singer's side, and had, reluctantly, told the paramedics about him having HIV and that Shuuichi could have it as well.

That was why the doctors kept close watch on Shuuichi in the hospital, and why they took blood for a HIV test after the singer was stabilized. And while waiting for Shuuichi to be stabilized, Yuki had called Tohma, too distraught to deal with this on his own.

After what seemed an eternity to the writer, he was finally able to visit Shuuichi, who was unconscious from the medicine given to him.

'_Shuuichi.'_ Yuki stared at the unconscious singer, his heart breaking at seeing him hooked up to those machines, IVs attached to his arm. _'Shuuichi, I'm sorry.'_ He sat next to the bed, his head bowed in his hands, his eyes on the singer. "I'm sorry."

"Eiri?" The voice from the doorway drew his attention, surprising him by the tentativeness in the tone.

"Tohma, I…." Yuki turned toward the NG President, falling silent when the older man stepped towards him and put his arms around him.

"Shh…Eiri-kun, it'll be okay, Shindou-san will get better soon." Seguchi crooned, trying to remain calm though it tore at him to see his brother-in-law so hurt and afraid. "It'll be all right Eiri-kun…."

"No it won't, Tohma." Yuki felt broken even in Seguchi's embrace. "I got the results from that blood test I took—I have HIV, and that means Shuuichi…."

Seguchi pulled slightly away in shock, the next moment bringing Yuki into a stronger embrace, as his thoughts rushed wildly.

'_HIV? No.'_ His Eiri couldn't…no, he could, all those liaisons in his brother-in-law's younger years before meeting Shindou…god, why didn't he think about this before?

"How long have you known, Eiri?"

"Three days. I was going to tell him today, but…."

"Eiri-kun, I'm here for you." The NG President let Yuki lean his head on his shoulder, for once in his life unsure of how to fix things. "I'm here for you—and Shindou-san."

"Thank you, Tohma."

-

Lying quiet on the bed, his eyes only partly open, Shuuichi felt his stomach cringe—he'd woken up a few seconds before Seguchi arrived and had been about to speak to Yuki when the shacho showed up. He'd felt a pang of jealousy when the writer turned from him to Seguchi, but that pang became a pang of guilt when he saw Yuki's face.

The writer was worried about him, was near tears with worry—who was he to get jealous when the writer sought desperately needed comfort? He couldn't get upset by how close Seguchi held Yuki at that moment, though he still felt envious and had been about to show he was awake when he heard Yuki say he had HIV.

That stopped him cold, his stomach wrenching, his whole body going numb—his words of greeting stuck in his throat.

'_So that's why Yuki's been so cold the pass few days. That's why he wouldn't even touch me lately, he has…but how long has he….'_ Shuuichi felt a shiver rush up his spine as he thought about the news, about what it could mean. Yuki was worried about him, about him either getting the virus or _'Already having it…God, if he has it, I could have it too. I could….'_

Shuuichi closed his eyes tightly, wishing he hadn't remained silent long enough to overhear. There were some things he didn't know much about, some topics on which he was a complete idiot, but he wasn't stupid about HIV and AIDS—he knew what it was, knew its severity. One of his relatives had had it, so he knew how difficult it was to live with, knew how heartbreaking it was to see a loved one go through the pain.

God, he just wanted to sleep and wake up to it being all a dream, he'd rather put up with Yuki being cold and ignoring him for weeks on end than deal with the thought of either him or Yuki having HIV.

"Tohma," Yuki's voice broke through his thoughts and he focused on them. "I…I don't know how to tell him…I…can you…?"

"Eiri, you have to tell him yourself. Goodness knows he won't believe me after all those times I tried to break you two up. He'd think I'm lying." Seguchi ran his fingers through Yuki's hair in a comforting gesture. "I'll be there to help when you do, if that will make it any easier. But it's you who needs to tell him."

"…." Yuki wrestled with the thought in silence before letting a few teardrops fall down his cheek. "I know…but…but how can I tell him we have to break up if he doesn't have it? I can't endanger him if he happened to get a lucky chance to escape getting infected—I'd have to let him go. But I…."

"I'll help if it comes to it, Eiri. I'll make Shindou leave if…."

"Like hell you will." Shuuichi sat up violet eyes shining with indignation. "I am staying with Yuki no matter what the test results show. So stay the goddamn out of this Seguchi."

"Shin…Shindou-san!"

**A/N: End of chapter because I can't think of more to write at the moment. Heh heh, I found a way around having Yuki tell Shuuichi about the HIV, which I doubt he would've done, being the communicative-recluse he is. The scenes with Tohma and Yuki are depressing, at least to me, but it's realistic since he showed his vulnerable side to Tohma in the Manga a few times. I believe the only ones Yuki ever shows his vulnerable side to are Tohma and Shuuichi…but Tohma he's more open with.**

**Anyway, as always, please read and review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I made myself sad writing this chapter—but I enjoy feeling sad if caused by a work of literature or my imagination.**

**Random info: I try to write each chapter to have near a thousand words to it, but I can't seem to do it real close to that number.**

**Chapter four:**

"Shin…Shindou-san! You're awake?" Seguchi stepped back in surprise, missing the meaning of the singer's words due to the suddenness of them.

"Shuu…i…chi…?" Yuki knelt down by the side of the bed, tears staining his pale cheeks, heart-rate rapid. Indecisively he brought his hands to the pink-haired singer's face, caught between wanting to show his feelings for his lover and the edginess caused by showing emotion openly. And, unlike Seguchi, he took in the meaning of Shuuichi's words, along with the suddenness.

"Yuki, I…." Shuuichi fell silent when the novelist brought him into an embrace, holding him closer than he ever held the singer. Anger ebbed away completely, the singer wrapped his arms around the writer, his own eyes filling with tears; tears of sorrow and gladness. Gladness for the comfort received from the novelist, and sorrow for what it took to extract the closeness.

"Shindou? Eiri?" Seguchi's eyes grew soft and curious, wondering when Yuki was going to tell, until he realized what Shuuichi had said. "Shindou, were you awake the entire time? You heard…?"

"I awoke seconds before you showed up, Seguchi. And I heard everything." Shuuichi gently kissed Yuki on the forehead, and hugged him tighter; leaning closer to the writer when compelled by those light-brown, questioning eyes.

"Shuu-chan." Yuki whispered in his ear, his voice trembling. "We have to break up."

"NO! Yuki, I'm not leaving you. I don't care 'bout the test results, I'm not letting you break up with me!"

"Shuuichi, I refuse to put you at any more risk if the tests show you don't have the virus." The writer looked into the singer's eyes, taking a deep breath to steady himself.

"Yuki, I don't—"

"I don't want to hear it, Shuu-chan, even if we stay together, if you don't have the virus, I'm never touching you intimately again. I won't risk it."

"Yu…Yu-ki," Shuuichi stared at the face of his downcast lover, his heart breaking at the stubborn righteousness of the writer, but a sudden realization made him determined not to accept it. "Yuki, you can't abandon me. Not when I'm sick like this."

"Shuu…."

"Did the doctor say I had some type of pneumonia?"

"Wha? How did you….?" Yuki stared at the singer in surprise, not knowing the significance of the random question.

"I thought so." The singer sighed, and looked around the room once before turning back to a puzzled Yuki. "My…a relative of mine had HIV, and he got sick with pneumonia when he developed full-blown AIDS." He paused, bringing his knees up to his chest and holding onto them as he struggled with the meaning of his own words. "Me getting sick like this means…means…."

"Shuu…ichi. No…NO!" Yuki pulled Shuuichi into a strong, slightly rough, embrace, holding him tightly to his chest. "Don't give up, it doesn't mean anything just because you're sick like this. It could just be a fluke, you getting pneumonia; it doesn't mean…you don't even know if you have HIV yet. You don't know what you're…."

"I know more about HIV than you do!" Shuuichi pushed the writer away, feeling his body trembling. "I spent the first twelve years of my life growing up with someone who had it, and I was there to watch it progress to AIDS. Fuck it, I was there when it finally killed him. So don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Don't fuckin dare…." Here Shuuichi burst into tears—tears of anguish, grief, fear, his body growing numb as he shook visibly from his emotion.

"Shuuichi, I…."

"I watched my older brother die from AIDS, so don't fuckin tell me I don't know anything about it." His sobs grew more anguished as he turned back toward the novelist. "Please, please don't abandon me, Yuki. Please. I don't care if we never have sex again, just please be there to hold me."

The writer drew the singer once again into an embrace, pulling him to his chest silently, the only sound audible in the room being Shuuichi's crying.

**A/N: This chapter didn't end exactly as I thought it would, but it's good—I can't seem to not end my chapters with cliffhangers, I think it's because I actually enjoy them. Makes me want to read more. Same as how I'm addicted to writing and reading sad stories—I almost never read or write happy ones.**

**Anyway, while writing this chapter I thought about who gave who the virus—most would assume Yuki gave it to Shuuichi, but if you read and watched the manga and anime thoroughly, you'd recall how Taki had Shuuichi raped. When I remembered that piece of info, I couldn't ignore it—so I want your opinions about it.**

**Oh, I invented Shuuichi's older brother thing on a whim because I needed to figure some way for him to know of the virus, and to have lived closely with someone who had had it.**

**Random bit of info: this fic is currently beating all but three of my other fics hit-count wise, very good considering the only ones beating it have way more chapters. Plus the only one beating it with the same amount of chapters has fewer reviews than it. And just so you know, the more popular the fic, the more likely I'll write more to it over my others.**

**As always, please read and review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This fic is currently beating all but one of my stories hit-count wise, and the only one beating it is a ten chapter fic, and is only beating it by 324 hits. **

Chapter Five:

Staring with golden brown eyes out the window, Yuki sighed and struggled to hold in the overwhelming urge to breakdown. He left the hospital room five minutes ago after Shuuichi fell back to asleep, unable to stand being still for any longer.

Seeing Shuuichi cry like that was too much to take, strange when one considered all the times he'd been indifferent to the feelings of the singer; but none of those other times had the novelist felt the same emotion as Shuuichi. Witnessing the pink-haired singer cry when he himself teetered on the edge of despair as well affected him more intensely than any other time before.

It took all his willpower to not breakdown himself after seeing the tears on the singer's face; he knew no one was around to see him, but he wanted to stay strong for Shuuichi's sake.

And he remained so until after the singer fell asleep. That's when the restlessness overpowered him and he left the room, wandering around the hospital aimlessly. Finally he found a nearly empty corridor and leaned against the wall, his eyes looking out the window, his thoughts looking into his heart.

'_Shuuichi…how could he…how could this have happened?'_ The writer closed his eyes, his hands in his pockets gripping at the cloth of his jacket. _'Why is he…why did he come down this sick before me? I got it first; I should've gotten sick before him.'_

"Eiri." Tohma's concerned voice interrupted his thoughts. "I called Mika and Tatsuha; they should arrive in a few minutes." Pause. "After you left the doctor told me that Shindou-san's T-cell count was below 200—a sure sign of AIDS when coupled with pneumonia."

"…."

"Eiri, I'm here to help you. I'll always be here to help you; you just have to tell me what…."

"Why did he get this bad before me?" Yuki opened his eyes to stare out the window again. "Why didn't I get sick first? Why did it have to be him…?"

"Eiri, HIV doesn't affect everyone the same way. And with proper treatment, people with the disease can live for years after being diagnosed."

"Quit it, Tohma. I don't need that lecture—I already heard it from the doctors when I found out I had HIV. The chances this, the chances that—I'm sick of that. Regardless of what advances there are in medicine, there's still the chance that Shuuichi could die now…." Tears welled suddenly in the writer's eyes, dripping down his cheeks as he felt his legs weaken. "Shuuichi could…even with the best medicine, Shuuichi could…."

"Eiri, I…." Tohma moved to hold the novelist in a comforting embrace, but Yuki pushed him away and glared at him with icy brown eyes. After a moment of silence, the novelist turned away from the N-G president and walked down the empty corridor. "Eiri, wait!" But the novelist didn't, just kept walking, lost in thought.

**A/N: Short, can't think of more to write right now, and I need to go to bed early tonight since I have a job interview tomorrow. Anyway, please read and review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks for wishing me luck on my interview, though I don't know if it went well since it was my first interview and I was so fuckin nervous—I can't really deal with people much, that's why I spend all day alone talking to myself and writing fanfics.**

**Anyway, on with the story:**

Ten minutes passed and Tohma sat in a chair in Shuuichi's hospital room, waiting for Mika and Tatsuha to arrive, and for Eiri to come back. He didn't know what to say to his brother-in-law to comfort him, so he let him wander off—sometimes that helped the novelist calm down more than his comforting words could.

But what would Shindou think if he woke up and Eiri wasn't there?

'_God, I wanted Shindou out of Eiri's life, but not like this.'_ The shacho looked at Shuuichi sleeping on the hospital bed and remembered how devastated Eiri had looked after hearing the singer's revelation. _'I wanted Shindou out of his life, but I never wanted him to get hurt like that. This isn't what I wanted.'_

"Tohma."

The blond shacho looked toward the voice, unsure of what to say.

"Mika, I…."

"Where's Eiri?" Mika stood next to Tohma's chair, placing her hand on her husband's shoulder.

"He's walking around the hospital, he couldn't stand staying in the room and left." Pause. "I don't know what to do, I've always been able to help Eiri, but this time…I don't know how…I don't think there's anything I can do." He stood and Mika quickly brought him into an embrace.

-

Walking stiffly through the hospital's front doors, Yuki struggled to keep the thought of Shuuichi having AIDS from surfacing in his mind. He needed a drink, a cigarette—anything to calm him and give him the illusion of normalcy.

He needed to get out of the hospital, away from that menacing building—just away from the very idea of Shuuichi having AIDS. Thus he walked away from the hospital, remembering only when he reached the parking-lot that he hadn't driven his car.

"Damn…." He gritted his teeth and narrowed his eyes, turning toward the nearest streetlight pole and punching it. "DAMN!"

'_Stupid brat, why…? Stupid, why…?' _

"Um, Bro? Are you all right?"

Yuki spun around at the sound of the voice and the touch of a hand to his shoulder.

"Tatsuha."

"Bro? Shouldn't you be inside talking with the doctors? Seguchi said you had…."

"Shut up, I don't want to hear any more about it. So just shut up." Yuki pulled away from Tatsuha's grip, and walked toward the sidewalk away from the hospital. Before he made it two steps, Tatsuha grabbed hold of his arm, pulling him so that they were face to face.

"Don't tell me to shut up, and don't dare walk away from the hospital like it's nothing important. You have HIV, you should be in there with your doctor figuring out the best way to manage it. Not to mention, you should be in there with Shuuichi while he's sick. You shouldn't just leave…."

Yuki roughly grabbed Tatsuha by the shirt, surprising the dark haired monk.

"Don't you dare tell me what to do. You have no idea what I'm going through, so back the fuck off." The blond pushed Tatsuha away and resumed walking; barely taking in the words Tatsuha spoke next:

"Excuse me for worrying about you. I thought that's what brothers were for, but guess I was mistaken."

Without waiting for a reply, Tatsuha stormed into the hospital, oblivious to his brother who stopped and stared after the black-haired monk.

**A/N: End of chapter, can't think of what to write next. This story is starting to give me a hard time writing it—but that's mainly because my muse is giving me ideas for starting new stories rather than finishing the ones I already have going.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This story is giving me a hard time writing it, so if it sucks compared to my other chapters, that's why.**

Chapter seven:

Shuuichi awoke to find Yuki gone, and Tohma and Mika sitting in the room.

"Where's Yuki?" He sat up, surprising his visitors with the suddenness of his words. "Where did Yuki go? Where's Yuki?"

"He went for a walk, Shindou-san. He had to be by himself for a while."

"I want to see him, go get him." Shuuichi surprised Tohma with his commanding tone, as well as how the singer didn't jump out of bed to find the writer himself.

Before Tohma could answer Tatsuha stepped into the room.

-

After watching his brother disappear into the hospital, Yuki cursed, angry for snapping at Tatsuha who had a right to worry about him—but he couldn't go back into the hospital; he couldn't go back and visit Shuuichi, to do so would prove how serious things were and the novelist didn't want it to be real. He still hoped that everything would go away, that this…this _thing_ would go away like a nightmare, and he would wake up to how his life was before.

Shivering with held back emotion, the writer leaned against the streetlight post he punched, closing his eyes to make it all go away. He needed to calm down, but each second he had his eyes closed, the image of Shuuichi pulsed through the forefront of his thoughts, captivating his attention.

"Shuu…" Yuki glared up at the sky, angry and sad tears welling in his eyes. "Shuu…."

**A/N: End chapter. **

**This sucks, I can't think of what to write, but the longer I go on without writing something to this story the harder it will be to update. So here's another chapter to entertain you. Please review—I know it's too short, but it's the best I can do right now.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Does anyone actually read these notes? I know they read the end ones, but how about the ones on top?**

**I think the site is experiencing technical difficulties with its email/alert system. I don't think its most recent upgrades helped it since its errors started after the upgrade.**

**The Price I Pay: Yuki/Shuuichi:**

**Chapter Eight:**

(Sorry, I can't really figure out how to continue the previous scene, so I'm skipping ahead in the fic, I might have some flashbacks to the previous scene later though.)

**A few weeks later: **

Yuki stared at his computer screen, searching his thoughts for inspiration, but his muse abandoned him—he couldn't even seem to force the words out of him, his creativity a dried-up well. Empty, an eternal void.

Sighing, resting his head on his propped up arms, Yuki closed his eyes and then took off the glasses he wore when working. A slight jab of pain pulsed through his head, signaling the start of an oncoming headache—something less common nowadays, but much more annoying.

Closing his laptop, he turned around to look at the bed, smiling wistfully at the pink-haired singer sleeping peacefully sprawled on the mattress. The sleeping man had recovered enough from his pneumonia to come home a few days after he was admitted, and was now completely recovered from that bout.

One good thing in a list of wholly bad ones.

Standing, the novelist stepped softly to the bed, his heart heavy as he remembered how reluctant he was to stay around Shuuichi the day the singer was admitted. He stood away the whole day, eventually winding up drunk in some bar flirting with all the women—and he almost convinced one to spend the night with him before he remembered about the HIV.

The moment he remembered he left the bar, the awful feeling of dread and disbelief rising within him. Guilt too, for he remembered Shuuichi, remembered how he left the singer in the hospital after he'd fallen asleep—Yuki couldn't imagine how upset the singer would be to find the novelist not there when he awoke. And Yuki couldn't help feeling an extra-strong stab of guilt when he thought of Shuuichi having AIDS.

That's why the next few days while Shuuichi recovered from the pneumonia in the hospital, Yuki never left his side, except to eat and use the bathroom—refusing to even sleep at first until the singer grew worried that he might come down sick from lack of sleep. When the novelist finally did sleep, it was in a second bed in Shuuichi's hospital room, and then it was only a light rest, awaking every hour to check on the singer.

Focusing back on the present, Yuki flicked his eyes to the clock on the stand by the bed, sighing as he read the time. Running a hand through his hair, he leaned down and shook the singer awake.

"Shuu, it's time for your medicine. Shuu."

"Mmm…." The singer groaned, eyes still tightly shut, though he leaned into the familiar touch. "Yuki…."

"C'mon Shuu, it's time to wake up."

Slowly the singer opened his eyes, groaning something about how nice the dream he'd been having was and he didn't want to wake up.

"You have to take your medicine; I already took mine a few minutes ago." Yuki opened a drawer in the stand by the bed and took out two vials; "Here, I'll go get you some water. One of each remember."

"Yeah, Yeah." Shuuichi took the proffered containers, a look of chagrin on his face. "I'm already sick of taking these." He stared disdainfully at the vials, tossing them onto the bed. "I'm not taking them."

"Shuu." Yuki looked vexed and wistful, calming himself with a deep breath. "You have to take them, to manage your AIDS and to make sure you don't catch anything."

"They make me feel sick. I can't do anything when I take them, Yuki!"

"Shuu…."

Suddenly the doorbell rang, and Yuki went to answer it, sighing as he wondered how he'd get Shuu to take his medicine this time.

The pink-haired singer had grown increasingly more adamant against taking his medicine each day since his release, and the novelist grew tired of making the singer take the pills. Yuki was more reluctant to force Shuuichi once the pills' side-effects started making Shuuichi sick and tired—yesterday the singer stood in bed the whole day after taking the medicine, too lethargic to do anything.

Reaching the door, Yuki opened it, not surprised to see the singer's friend Hiro—Shuuichi had told his friends and family about his AIDS on the second day of his hospital stay, and ever since Hiro had visited the singer at least once a day.

"He's in the bedroom; I was just getting some water for him to take his meds." Yuki said as Hiro entered silently—refusing to greet the novelist. _'Looks like he still blames me for Shuuichi having AIDS….'_ Yuki sighed and walked to the kitchen as Hiro walked to the bedroom; the guitarist knocked once before entering, letting the singer know it was him.

Yuki stood in the kitchen alone for a few seconds, filling up a glass of water to bring to Shuuichi, his thoughts blank as he stared at the water falling from the facet—he didn't really see the water, he didn't see anything, his mind just wandered off to a place beyond thought, dissociating himself from his surroundings.

Snapping back to reality a few seconds later, Yuki found that the water from the facet had overflowed the cup and soaked his hand. Cursing himself, he turned off the water and tipped some out of the cup, then he dried his hand and walked to the bedroom; he didn't want to, but he had to force the singer to swallow the pills.

His hand was right about to turn the doorknob when Hiro's voice filled the air.

"Shuu, you need to take your meds, you know as well as anyone that…." Pause. "What about Bad Luck? If you don't take your meds, you won't be able to sing again."

"I don't care—I'll never feel well enough to sing if I take those pills, the band's through." Shuuichi's voice sounded bitter to the novelist, bitter and sad.

"Shuu, you don't have to give up the band just 'cause…you can still record CDs and maybe play a few concerts—you don't have to…."

"I don't want to play in the stupid band anymore! Get out! I don't want to do anything anymore! Just leave!"

"Shuuichi…."

"LEAVE!"

Hearing footsteps approaching the door, Yuki backed away, just in time to dodge as Hiro opened the door frustrated, his expression seething with anger. Without once looking at the novelist or saying goodbye to the singer, the guitarist left storming out of the house as sudden as he arrived.

Yuki sighed before entering the room, glass of water in his left hand.

"I don't want to see you either." Shuuichi mumbled sitting on the corner of the bed, back to the novelist, though he peeked behind him once or twice. "I'm not taking those pills. You can't make me."

"Shuu…."

"YOU CAN'T FORCE ME TO TAKE THOSE FUCKIN PILLS! I WILL NOT TAKE THEM!" Shuuichi turned to look at the novelist anger gleaming in his eyes. "I've had enough of feeling sick all the time—I feel better when I don't take those pills, Yuki, don't make me take them." The singer's voice turned whiny and sad, tears filling Shuu's violet eyes.

Sighing, Yuki turned around and left the room without a word, unable to bring himself to argue with the pink-haired man—his own meds had started making him feel sick too, but not as much as the singer; even so he was tired of listening to Shuuichi complain like he was the only one going through this.

'_At least he knows he has AIDS, I have to live each day wondering if my HIV will turn into AIDS. Plus, he doesn't have to live with the guilt of infecting his partner.'_

Without realizing it, Yuki made his way back to the kitchen, emptying the glass in the sink—once again entering that dissociative state, only this time he didn't stay still through it.

From some place distant in his mind, he saw himself get the knife from the drawer, saw him press the blade to his arm—he heard Shuuichi's concerned voice from the distant corner of his mind too; but it didn't stop him from pressing harder with the knife and slicing it across his wrist.

He was still in that dissociative state when everything went black, swallowing him in an abyss.

**A/N: End chapter: Thank you for being patient while I worked on updating this fic, I can't wait until I read your reviews.**


	9. Chapter 9

**The Price I Pay: Yuki/Shuuichi Version:**

**Chapter Nine:**

Yuki awoke in a hospital bed, wrist bandaged, eyes squinting from the light from the window.

"Huh…." He turned his face away from the light, vision blurred as he struggled to make sense of his surroundings.

"Yuki, you're awake. Thank god." Shuuichi's voice greeted him and he felt his lover hold onto his arm. "I was so worried."

"Shuu…." Yuki stared at his pink-haired lover dazedly, struggling to recall what happened when he saw the bandage on his wrist. _'God…what did I….shit!'_ His memories of what happened flashed through his thoughts, his recollection clearer now than at the time of the incident.

Suddenly Shuuichi hugged him, tightly, tears streaming down his face.

"Yuki…I was so worried…you…the knife…I couldn't….Yuki…." The pink-haired man buried his face in the older man's chest, "Why did…was it because of me? Yuki…why…did you…?"

A sickening feeling pervading through him, Yuki closed his eyes and just held his younger lover close. _'God, how do I tell him I didn't even know what I was doing at the time? I…god, of all the times….'_ The blond sighed, remembering more about the dissociative state he was in when he slit his wrist—it was a state he was familiar with; a state that marked the beginning of the split-personality disorder he suffered from after first meeting the pink-haired brat.

'_First I find out I have HIV, and now I'm going mental again? And it's worse than last time…I tried to kill my…god!'_

"Yuki…? Why did you? Why…? Yuki?" Shuuichi looked up into the author's eyes, vision partly blurry from tears. "Was it because of me? I'm sorry, Yuki…Yuki?"

'_I didn't mean to…I….'_

"Yuki?" Shuuichi's voice irritated the blond who struggled with the frustration of that and his own thoughts. "Did I…."

"Of course it's because of you, you brat!" Yuki snapped, head pounding, insides shaking. "For the past weeks I had to listen to you complain about you, you, you. Never once did you think anything about me going through the same fucking thing!"

"Yuki, I…."

"I kept silent all those weeks, and you kept complaining—refusing to take your medicine, and never once thinking about anything about anyone else. Not thinking how I feel for causing you to get sick—how I feel each time you don't take your medicine—How I worry each day if you'll get sick and die and realizing it'd be my fault if you do! YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF ANY OF THAT!"

'_God…if you die Shuu, I'd feel like a murderer again….'_

"Yuki, I'm sorry…." Shuuichi felt new tears slide down his face. "I'm sorry."

'_Murderer…I'd…no….'_ Yuki felt himself shake as memories he thought he'd banished from his mind swam through to the forefront of his thoughts.

"Yuki? Yuki, what's wrong? You're shaking, what's…?" Shuuichi's annoying voice turned worried, and he gasped when he saw the tears welling in his lover's eyes.

"I…I'm sorry…I…I can't help thinking about…if you die….I'd be….a murderer again…I can't…."

"Yuki…Yuki, it's not your fault, don't even think that…."

**A/N: End chapter**


	10. Chapter 10

**The Price I Pay:**

**Chapter Ten:**

"Don't even think that, Yuki."

"I can't help thinking that, Shuu, it's my fault you have AIDS."

For a moment Shuu was quiet.

"Not necessarily, it could've been me that infected you."

"What?" Yuki glared at the pink-haired man.

"That….that thing that happened between Taki and me, remember? I could've gotten it then…."

Suddenly Shuu broke into tears, trembling. Delicately Yuki placed his hand on Shuu's cheek.

"Shuuichi, it's not your fault, even if you did get it from that, it's not your fault."

"But I should've gotten tested then….I should've…." Shuuichi let out a sob and clung to Yuki. "And what you tried—everything's my fault, I know it….my brother got AIDS because of me, now you have HIV….it's all my fault…."

**A/N End chapter—very short, really short, I know but I can't think of any more to write—please review.**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter eleven:

Unable to think of what to say, Yuki simply held onto his lover as the pink-haired man cried.

'_It's okay Shuu, it's okay. It's not your fault.'_ His thoughts went but he couldn't put them to words; something took hold of his tongue and stopped him from saying what he wanted.

"Everything's my fault, my brother got HIV from a blood transfusion he had to get because of me—now you have it and I bet it's because of me—otherwise how did I get sick first?" Shuuichi cried more brushing off Yuki's arms though he wanted to never leave their warmth.

"Shuu…just because Aizawa…that doesn't mean you got it first—I could've gotten it any time during the years before I met you. You getting AIDS first means nothing."

"But…but…."

"Enough, it's not your fault." Yuki held Shuuichi close once more and kissed his forehead. "It's not your fault."

-

After two weeks spent in the hospital Yuki left, this time with more medicine to help control his dissociative episodes.

'_Why do I have to go through this again? It was bad enough the first time—now it's worse.'_

He sighed and walked toward the door to exit the hospital, his medicine in hand, when Shuuichi ran and hugged him.

"Yuki! Yay, you get out today, yay!" Shuuichi held tightly to him, smile beaming on his face. "Guess what? Bad Luck's doing a concert today—I feel better now. No sick feelings for the past three days."

"I take it you want me to go to this concert?" Yuki stepped past Shuu and through the hospital doors, his blond hair swaying slightly from a passing breeze. How nice it was to be outside again, to feel the wind, the sun shining down on him. Mainly it felt so good to be alive—he'd come so close to dying…he was still in the grip of death and it made life taste sweet.

"Yuki?"

"I'll go to your concert." Yuki took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, lighting one as he looked at Shuuichi. "I'll go, before you even ask, I'll go."

"Thank you, Yuki! You don't know how much this means to me! Thank you! I love you, Yuki!" Shuuichi embraced the novelist and kissed him on the lips, not caring they were in public.

"On second thought maybe I won't go to the concert." Yuki feigned irritation, partly smirking when Shuu expression changed to dejection.

"But Yuki…."

"I'm kidding, I'll go—just settle down, I don't want people staring like we're some freak show."

"Oh, okay Yuki." Shuu calmed down and gave Yuki another quick hug. "Well, let's hurry!"

"It's not starting already, is it?"

"It's in an hour, I have to leave now or K will hunt me down—and I want to spend as much time with you as possible beforehand."

"You want me to drive you there, that I won't do—I want to relax for a bit."

"But Yuki, please? Yuki?"

"Look you, don't make me regret saying I'll go to your concert."

"…Yuki…." Shuu turned away, pouting, violet eyes gleaming. "It's our last concert—I wanted it to be special…."

"'Last concert'? You're really breaking up the band?"

"Yes." Shuuichi sighed. "Seguchi agrees that it's a good idea—he says it'd be too much of a liability having me perform concerts. Today is Bad Luck's farewell concert."

"Oh."

A/N: End Chapter


	12. Chapter 12

**The Price I Pay**

**Chapter twelve**

"Well, I have to hurry or I'll be late—be sure you're not late to the concert, I'll be looking for you!"

"Yeah sure."

"See ya!" Shuuichi waved speedily, walking away reluctantly.

"Yeah, bye."

-

Shuuichi sat on a chair backstage waiting for the concert to start—some new band was opening for them. A band that would take Bad Luck's spot at N-G after this concert.

Truly he didn't want to break up the band but he couldn't perform anymore—not with how terrible he felt everyday; the only reason he felt good enough to do this concert was he hadn't been taking his meds. For the past three days, without anyone to force him he refused to take his pills.

No one knew, though he was sure Hiro suspected, but the guitarist wasn't speaking to him—Hiro wanted to keep the band together and wouldn't forgive Shuu for giving up on the band. Not yet anyway. Shuu felt certain Hiro wouldn't stay angry forever—and it wasn't fully Shuu's fault. Seguchi did say Bad Luck was now too much of a liability, and they would either have to break up or tell the public the truth.

Shuu already knew he wouldn't do that—he wouldn't tell the public about his AIDS, he couldn't. Anything else but that

"Why did this have to happen? Our last concert—so soon. Why….why did I have to get AIDS? I should've realized with Yuki, but…I didn't. I didn't think about it—I'm an idiot."

"Yeah, I say you are; breaking up the band just for this." Hiro stepped up to Shuu, hitting him softly on the head. "You never let anything get in your way before—not with the band, not with Yuki. So why start giving up now?"

"Hiro." Shuu rubbed his head with Hiro hit it. "You know about my brother…he…."

"He wouldn't want you to give up—he never did."

"But I'm not him! I can't be that strong, not with this." Shuu felt tears crowd into his eyes, his body trembling.

"Shuuichi….I'm sorry." Hiro sighed. "It's all right to be afraid, but your brother wouldn't want you to give up."

"I know but…."

"No buts…you know you can't give up, we don't need to do concerts, just recording songs is enough. Please don't break up the band, Shuuichi. Please don't." Hiro stood by the now sobbing singer, his hand running through Shuuichi's pink hair. "Please.

-

"Orenji-iro tsukiyo ga kuru to….."

Shuu stared the first song before the band started playing, singing a capella for a few verses before the music started. His heart pounding with excitement, he belted out the lyrics like he never had before.

"Kimi no koto o omoidasu…"

He sang like it was the last time—and it was, he realized the finality of his decision as he looked out at the audience, his heart-rate going wild.

'_Should I really be up here, singing for the last time—what about Hiro and Suguru, they deserve to continue with the band, it shouldn't be all about me.'_

"Kakko tsuketa ore no serifu wa hoka no dare serifu de"

'_And my brother…what would he say? He'd want me to follow my dream no matter what…. No matter what….'_

Suddenly he stopped singing, and instead stared at the audience, searching through at all the faces.

'_And I can't let my fans down.' _

"Excuse me everyone." He said into the microphone, his words throwing everyone off. "I have an announcement to make."

Hiro threw him a 'what are you thinking' look, but remained silent holding his guitar. Suguru just stared at him shocked at first then hung his head down.

A murmur of confusion went through the audience as they stared expectant at the singer.

"As some of you know, with the rumors floating around, this concert was to be Bad Luck's last concert."

A collective gasp and yells of 'no' reached Shuuichi's ears as he paused to take in their response.

"But I've decided that's not going to happen."

"Shuu, you know you can't do that unless…." Suguru blurted without thinking, his expression mirroring Hiro in shock.

"But…to keep the band together I need to tell you something." Shuu ignored his keyboardist's outburst, his eyes still scanning the audience.

The audience, in anticipation, grew silent.

"I have AIDS."

**A/N: End chapter.**


	13. Chapter 13

**The Price I Pay: Yuki/Shuuichi**

**Chapter: Thirteen:**

"I have AIDS."

Yuki walked into the concert the moment Shuuichi said those words, his shock hidden inside as the audience stood silent.

'_Stupid brat, why did you have to say that here?'_

The novelist head started hurting and he absentmindedly fingered the bandage around his wrist.

'_Especially without talking to me about it.'_

"Stupid brat." Yuki muttered and leaned against the back wall, not really caring about the buzz of conversation now going on around him but finding it impossible to block out.

"AIDS, this got to be a joke…."

"No, he looks serious, I can't believe…."

"How did he get it?"

"Oh no, what about his lover Eiri Yuki?"

At mention of his name, Yuki turned and left the concert hall—the last thing he needed was someone to recognize him and start pestering him with questions. His head was killing him, and worse, he felt that detached feeling start coming back—he didn't want to dissociate here, not in front of all these people.

Not when the last time he dissociated he sliced his wrist.

Swiftly he left the hall and headed for the parking lot, head pounding as he took out a cigarette to calm himself. Lighting it and putting it in his mouth, he breathed in relief as the dissociative feeling faded. He focused on the cigarette and where he was to stabilize his thoughts and fend off the detached feeling.

"That was a shock." Seguchi's voice interrupted his focusing. "But I guess I should've expected that with Shindou-san."

"What do you want, Seguchi?" Yuki glared at him, holding the cigarette between his fingers.

"You left so suddenly after what Shindou-san said, I knew it upset you. I wanted to make sure it didn't upset you too badly." Seguchi smiled wistfully, trying hard not to glance at Yuki's wrist.

"I have everything under control, you don't have to worry."

"Eiri, you know your dissociative episodes can happen at any time. And you can't always control all of them."

"I'm fine." He took another puff from his cigarette. "I should never have told you about my dissociating again."

"I would've found out eventually." Seguchi smiled warmly at Yuki, both men standing on the pathway leading to the parking-lot. "I'm not the only one that needs to know. You need to tell Shindou-san, he needs to understand all of your problems."

"Don't tell me what to do, Seguchi, I'm not a child anymore."

Seguchi just sighed and looked Yuki in the eye.

"I guess I'll always see you as someone young I must protect. But I'm just trying to look out for you, Eiri. I don't want anything more to happen to you." Suddenly tears filled Seguchi's eyes, shocking Yuki. "But I can't protect you anymore, not from your HIV—no matter what I do…."

"Seguchi…." Yuki flicked his cigarette to the sidewalk and did something uncharacteristic of him—he held Seguchi against him, comforting the older blond.


	14. Chapter 14

**The Price I Pay: Yuki/Shuuichi**

**Chapter fourteen:**

After finishing the concert with a crowd more interested to hear news about Shuuichi's AIDS than music, the members of Bad Luck retired to their dressing room; Hiro and Suguru drained from the shock of Shuuichi's declaration and Shuu near bawling since he hadn't seen Yuki during the concert.

"Yuki said he'd come! Wah! Yuki! Where's my Yuki!?"

"Calm down, Shuuichi. I'm certain…."

Suddenly the door to the dressing room opened and in stepped Seguchi followed by Yuki.

"Yay! Yuki!" Shuuichi rushed to and clasped himself to the novelist, completely ignoring the annoyed look on Yuki's face. "You're here…I didn't see you in the audience…did you even hear me sing?"

"No, but I heard you say 'I have AIDS' to the entire audience." Yuki growled, grabbing Shuuichi by his shirt and ripping the singer off him.

"Oh."

"You didn't even think to tell me about you telling the public about your AIDS. You didn't think I should be part of that decision—you just went and did it."

"I'm sorry." Shuuichi sat down like a reprimanded puppy, his eyes watery.

"Now the only thing the media will talk about is this and if I have it too."

"Sorry."

"Enough of that. I'm not that mad at you." Yuki calmed down and sighed. "Sure I want to strangle you, but what's done is done."

"Yay! Yuki, you're not that mad! Yay!" Shuuichi went to clasp himself once again to the novelist, but Yuki dodged his lunge, causing Shuuichi to fall to the floor.

"Don't get the wrong idea, I'm still furious, but not about the concert."

"Then why are you mad?" Shuuichi picked himself up off the floor, staring at Yuki confused.

"I know you haven't been taking your medicine."

"What? Oh." Shuuichi turned pale and trembled at he looked at Yuki's coldly angry expression, barely registering that Tohma looked furious as well.

"So you're not going to deny it."

"How did you find out?"

"Simple, the amount of pills you have—you were supposed to run out today but you still have some left."

"Oh."

"Is that all you have to say? You had me worried about you when I found out you weren't taking your medicine; I almost rushed out to find you and force you to take your pills." Yuki reached into his pocket and took out the two vials. "But I calmed down and decided to wait until after your concert."

"But Yuki…."

"No buts, Shindou-san." Tohma spoke up, "You're taking your medicine or Bad Luck will break up."

"I…." Shuuichi glanced at each furious face staring at him and took the vials from Yuki's hand. "Fine….but if I take these I won't feel well enough to sing…."

"Don't worry, there's sure to be days you feel well and we can wait for those days." Hiro patted Shuuichi's shoulder.

Shuuichi only stared dismally at the vials in his hand, biting his lip as he opened both and took out one of each. With great distain he downed the two pills, and looked back to the faces staring at him—noting each relieved expression.

"There, I took the stupid pills, now quit staring." Shuuichi closed the pill vials and tossed them back to Yuki. "I'm going home now; the concert's done with….besides…." He took a few steps towards Yuki. "I want to spend time with Yuki now!" He jumped at the novelist, successfully tackling him. "Yuki! Yuki!"

"Get off me, brat."

**A/N: End chapter**


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